Straight from the Horse's Mouth: Stupid Motorist Law

DO YOU THINK I THINK

THIS IS A REAL MOUSE?

Sigh. Oh my dear whiskers, I just cannot believe anyone would think that I would think that the white and orange triangle you see here is a real -- mouse. How utterly -- sigh -- stupid.

Of course, I wouldn't think any being would be -- to put it kindly -- cognitively challenged enough to actually maneuver their driving machines around barricades put up for the express purpose of keeping said beings from stalling their driving machines and drowning themselves in overflowing culverts, streets, creeks and other places where waters can flow fast and furious.

Alas, a Confidential Source (CS) whose name is Raven, tells me that so many challenged beings exist in the state of Arizona that a law had to be passed there called "The Stupid Motorist Law."

The "Stupid Motorist Law", which corresponds to section 28-910 of the Arizona Revised Statutes, states that any motorist who becomes stranded after driving around barricades to enter a flooded stretch of roadway may be charged for the cost of his/her rescue.

The above, my CS tells me, is from Wikipedia, but your Mz Paws also heard, so coincidentally you might not believe this, the very same thing yesterday straight from the horse's mouth.

Your Mz Paws was out for a little grocery gambol yesterday, when what should yours truly hear but the clip clop clip clop of HOOVES on the pavement near our driving machine. Being an intrepid reporter, yours truly had to investigate. Yes, there, being hitched to one of the the cart-return chunnels was a Calico Horse!! Imagine the surprise of your Mz Paws!! A horse, with gorgeous white, black and tan fur just like -- well, you know who.

Of course, dear readers, your Mz Paws leapt at the chance to chat with such an elegant substitute for the ugly, polluting driving machines that populate the local grocery store plaza.

Alas...your Mz Paws did not bring along the Universal Translator Captain Kirk sent her from the Star Trek Convention on Mars last year. (My dear readers, that was a joke. As we all know, Captain Kirk was last seen riding Haley's Comet into the Milky Way.) But I digress.

Using tail signs, yours truly was able to ascertain that this lovely equine specimen had a driver named Mr. Piebald, an older gent with black and white fur on the top of his head, and that they were out on their weekly grocery trot. Calico Horse had saddlebags where Mr. Piebald put their goodies. What a wonderful idea!! So much less polluting than those horrible plastic bags that rip and stay in the environment for one hundred years of solitude. (Since yours truly is ruthlessly honest, she must admit that Calico Horse did leave just a little plop of pollution behind him -- nothing, though, compared to all the other horse-powered driving machines.)

Your Mz Paws was also able to ascertain from Calico Horse that Mr. Piebald had never, and would never under ANY circumstances -- EVER -- drive Calico Horse into a fast-flowing culvert, stream, rivulet or beer keg.

Let us hope, my dear followers, that the poor beings of Arizona, the state my CS, Raven, calls home, will come to their senses. If they have any to come to, that is.

Always your

Mz Paws

P.S. While the above might seem Light Years Away from reality, it is all actually true. Cat's Honest Truth.

Mz Paws' Law #4: Elucidation

from

Mz Paws' 9 Laws for

Good Living

Never Use Your Claws

Unless Absolutely Necessary

It hardly needs to be said that peaceful living beats (excuse the pugilistic verb -- I assure you, no pun intended) living by The Claw. Many cats and even a few great humans, such as Christ, The Buddha and Dave Barry have suggested if we treat others as we would like them to treat us, we would all live happily ever after. As an example, see above pic, in which I am practicing Law #3, on my Purrfect Blanket. Do I look like I'm going to rip your face off if you come within clawing distance?

You understand my point, I'm sure.

Now, there are a few, slight exceptions to this Law. No, I do not mean if someone attacks you, throws rats at you or calls you a Fatcat Fatboy, which recently happened to my friend Milo. Even then, he successfully practiced Law #4 by simply ignoring the bully, and everything became peaceful and happy once again.

No, I am referring to Life and Death Circumstances. For instance, if someone were to pick me up off my pink Purrfect Happy Blanket and threaten to throw me into the swimming pool, I might -- might, mind you -- put out a little claw. Just a reminder, that I'm a living being who deserves just as much respect as the next one. Of course, I would NEVER think of throwing any being into a swimming pool. Oh, the chlorine, the smell, the WATER.

But I digress. I really am working on tweaking that habit. But I digress again. My point: Law #4 works. Let's all give each other a little breathing room, K?

Always your

Mz Paws

P.S. What do YOU think of Law #4? Please leave me a note. I do tend to feel I'm talking to myself when no one sends me notes here. Thank you kindly.

Mz Paws Shares Links

I am hard at work writing my next post (as you can see). It needs a bit of, as they say, tweaking.

Oh my dear tail. That word. Tweaking. It always puts me in mind of a similar word. Probably you guessed it. Yes. Squeaking. And perhaps you know what THAT leads to in my -- if I do say so myself -- ever-active mind. But I digress. Again. It's a habit I'm trying to tweak. Anyway....

I don't normally share very many links on this site, mostly because I usually have so very, very much to say, myself. But since today is tweaking day, I am going to give you, my friends and fans, two links. The first is to a wonderful interview with a fabulous cat named C.E. Lawrence. She talks about everything from string theory (as in math/physics/Big Fang) (or first, click here to see yours truly having fun with her OWN string), to how crime profilers work, the publishing world, meowsical purrformances and oh, so much more. Plus she reads from her book. C.E. Lawrence is, of course, the author of Silent Screams, a thriller that will really raise your fur. Click here to get your neurons firing!

The other link is to an article about the Tea Party. Now, I enjoy bones in china and can raise my little claw as well as the next socio-cat, but I simply will not comment on this other kind of tea party except to say that you MUST watch the UTube version of an hysterical parody of these so-called Teapartiers by "emma's revolution." (That's the name of the group.) It made me grin until -- I have to admit-- my fangs showed. And I never, ever, eVER show my fangs. At least, not in polite society. Click here for a ro-LICKING good time! You can even read the lyrics to the song so you can caterwaul right along with emma's revolution!

P.S. I realize, of course, that I often DO create links to my own and other sites -- well, mostly my own, of course. But it's not because I'm trying to avoid tweaking my next post. Really, it's not. Just look again at how hard I'm working and you'll know I'm telling you the Cat's Honest Truth.

Always your

Mz Paws

Mz Paws on Vacations, the Meaning of Life, Hydrofracking

VACATION:

A GOOD TIME TO

CONTEMPLATE ONE'S

PRIORITIES and not to hydro-----!

I've never been big on vacations. Imho, they're highly overrated. If you can tell me what can be accomplished on a vacation that cannot be accomplished by sitting quietly and contemplating the true Meaning of Life, then please do so. (I'm told there are places to comment at the end of every one of my messages to you, my adoring -- and adored -- followers.) Contemplating the Meaning of Life may seem rather a large task, or one better left to those whose inclination is to sequester themselves forever behind the walls of a monastery or nunnery -- but actually it is quite simple. Just sit and breathe and see how wonderful it is that we can do this. Click here to learn more. I did, and as you can see, I'm having a delightful time!!

In fact, I've been doing just this since my last message to you. Now I am more than ever convinced that I must continue elucidating my Nine Laws for Good Living. I shall do so very soon. That is, if the paparazzi don't swarm me again. (Of course, I can't really blame them for wanting to get pictures of yours truly....)

In the future, I might also be talking about the practice of hydrofracking -- oh, such a dreadful sounding word, but quite fitting, imo. When I first heard the word, I thought it was some kind of -- oh dear, etiquette dictates that I not even write the word, but I'll give you a hint: it starts with "r" and ends in "e" and Toms are often arrested for it.... yes, yours truly thought it meant "that word" by water. Well, imagine my surprise when I discovered that's exactly what it is. Gas companies hydrofracking Mother Earth. Click here to learn more. What is the world coming to? I think I shall go back on vacation for a few more days!

Remember: all beings -- including wasps and ants -- want to be happy. They just don't know how to do it, and that's how we get into messy things like, oh dear, must I write that terrible word again? Hydro--------. There. What I'm trying to say is, we need to have compassion, even for those who like to hydro-----.

Always your

Mz Paws

Mz Paws: "Silent Screams" a Winner

IF YOU LIKE BODY BAGS AND CREEPY KILLERS...

Get your paws on C.E. Lawrence's thriller Silent Screams. It's got all a literary cat could desire in the way of thoughtful cat-achterizations, a scaaaarrrry plot, lots of CSI-type research, plus a whole lot of action. (Here is yours truly, doing my own sleuthing. It certainly does look like a body bag, does it not? What could it be? It certainly is untidy here. Well, I did learn in Silent Screams that crime scenes can be rather messy....)

Always your

Mz Paws

Mz Paws In Love with Josh Ritter

TRY OUT

Josh Ritter's

NEW CD

"SO RUNS THE WORLD AWAY"

(A quote from Shakespeare, for those literary cats, like me, who would dare to care about such things.)

Of course, being a sophisti-cat, I do, upon occasion (and if the pay is good -- just joking, of course!) paws for a moment to mention a good book or CD or something other than what I usually meow about here -- my Nine Laws For Good Living, shrimp and the oil in the Gulf, and how the paparazzi have been chasing me, etc.

I happened to be listening to NPR one day and along came an hour-long interview with a very well-spoken man named Josh Ritter. Oh, but it was the music that captured my heart. Yes, my friends, your Mz Paws is IN LOVE!

You can have a listen and a look-see at www.joshritter.com

The lyrics on the new album are, to put it simply, which is how I, Mz Paws, try always to put things -- but I digress. The lyrics of many of the songs on "So Runs the World Away" are quite worthy of Mr. Shakespeare, himself. Imho. And, lest you be thinking that this constitutes hyperbole, giving credit where it is not due is definitely not one of my foibles. In fact, imho, I have very few foibles at all. Except to have fallen in love now.

Sigh.

Always your,

Mz Paws

BUY BP NOW (and while we're at it, free the phish) Plus: ASPCA Update

I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY

that now is the time to buy stock in BP. As you can see from this picture of me (not the most flattering, I must admit, but I allowed it to be published for the sake of making a point) -- that point being, as you can see, I am making paw tracks to my broker to make sure I get in on the deal.

I should also point out that if you have ever been afraid to change careers, FEAR NOT. Former fisherpeople down in the Gulf have been changing careers since April. Many of them have become oilfisherpeople, and I am sure they are very happy to be wearing neck chains and badges that tell all the dead phish and dolphins who they are.

Speaking of phish, I have 2 items about which to pontificate (oh, what a lovely sounding word!). First, only 4 -- FOUR -- of you have voted whether or not I should become vegetarian. That is, of course, about average for this country, in which about 50% of humans turn out at the polls. But I expected better from my fans. VOTE. IT'S YOUR RIGHT!!! And frankly, I'm tired of dithering. Should I have eaten my shrimp last night, or not?

Secondly, (I love saying that!) I believe that the poor phish you see swimming in a cage on top of my page need to be set free. The poor things are continually bumping up against their prison walls, trying desperately to find their way to bigger things -- like the bathtub where I live. Or, perhaps they would prefer one of the three fake ponds. (I wouldn't suggest that, however; too many snapping turtles.) We may be going to the ocean this week -- perhaps they would enjoy a saltwater environment. But no, they might end up in the Gulf and then it would be an oily environment. Well, what do YOU think? Where should the phishies go?

Phree the Phish!

Always your

Mz Paws

P.S. (That means Post Script) This just in from the ASPCA in NYS about what YOU can do to help make attending animal fights a crime:

Dear New York Advocates,

Animal fighting is already a felony in our state, but these brutal, inhumane events still occur. This may partially be due to the fact that attending an animal fight in New York State is just a “violation,” resulting in no criminal record and punishable by a small fine, at worst. Spectators drive the animal fighting industry, so it’s high time that there be a legal deterrent to attending these horrible events in New York.

The New York State Legislature is now considering a bill to make attending an animal fight a misdemeanor offense, even if there is no proof that the attendee paid admission or placed a bet. (This is hardly a groundbreaking concept—in fact, this act is already a felony in New Jersey and Connecticut.) While the State Senate has passed its version of the bill, the Assembly has not, nor has Assembly leadership scheduled this important legislation, A. 6287-B, for a floor vote.

What You Can Do

The NY Assembly will meet later this summer for a one-day voting session to complete unfinished business. Visit the ASPCA Advocacy Center today to fax your assemblymember to request that he or she (1) support A. 6287-B, and (2) urge Assembly leadership to post this important humane bill for a floor vote during the one-day session.

Thank you, New York, for helping us fight animal cruelty.

Thank you for reading this. IMHO the bill does not go far enough, but I am still....

Always your,

Mz Paws

Mz Paws Returns: Has Message For Paparazzi and Fans

IN THE LOOKING GLASS

My dear friends (in this salutation, I include fans and paparazzi, even though the latter have chased me mercilessly):

It is always important to examine oneself thoroughly. While I was Behind the White Door (more on that later) I found a most suitable mirror in which to take a good look at myself. What I found was -- ME.

I have to admit, my dear friends, that during my first days Behind the White Door, (please click on "Behind the White Door" if you have not been following my story), I felt the hounded by doubt and depression. (No doubt, that is where the horrible rumor started that I had -- I can barely write this -- changed species.)

I will say, however, that depression can make one FEEL as though one has undergone some kind of terrible transformation. (Speaking of transformation, I will not even comment on the rumor that I had become A Canine. To do so would simply FEED the FRENZY of gossip and rumor, both of which I find contemptible.)

But I digress. To continue: when I looked in the mirror, I saw the same ME. It was most confusing. I have since learned that depression can cause confusion, as well as doubt.

So, to put matters straight, while I was Behind the White Door, I did see a psycatologist. I will neither name the psycatologist nor the location, although I can tell you that my sessions did take place Behind the White Door. That is all I will say about this.

Except to say that this psycatologist gave me a set of cataffirmations that I used to bring me back to my whiskers:

1) I am Mz Paws. Who is Mz Paws? That is the question....

2) It is not self-aggrandizing to recognize that I am the one and only "Sophisti-cat of the Blogosphere." (But I still have to ask: who is Mz Paws?)

3) My fans love me. They call me the "Queen of Etiquette." That is ok.

4) The paparazzi love me. That is also ok.

5) I can generate compassion for all beings, including the paparazzi who swarmed me and chased me so that I had to run up stairs and hide Behind the White Door.

6) I can wish that no being, including all members of the paparazzi, would suffer as I did when I had doubt and depression because I was chased up the stairs by the paparazzi.

7) I can wish that all beings, including the paparazzi, would have happiness. In other words, I can still practice my Nine Laws for Good Living, no matter what!

Therefore, my dear friends, fans and paparazzi alike, I wish you all to well. I have returned and will soon continue to elucidate my Laws. (I believe the last one I wrote on was Law #2.)

I would also encourage you all to practice the meditation from Page 3. (Just click on "Page 3.) My psycatologist had me practice it every day I was Behind the White Door, and it certainly helped me.

I will be talking with you again very soon. Although I do not for a moment regret my retreat Behind the White Door, I am simply delighted to be back with you, my dear friends and fans. I feel refreshed and ready to once again tackle BP, renewable energy, my Sunday shrimp feast (oh, that's today -- how lovely!), and other worldly problems.

But just for now, whenever you look in a mirror, be HAPPY with what you see!!! For your love and admiration, I Thank you so much (please click on "Thank you" for the proper response!).

Always your --

Mz Paws

Mz Paws Eats Football Players

NEWS FLASH:

MZ PAWS

eats football players. Answering a random question posed by an unknown computer, the Sophisti-cat of the Blogosphere seems to indicate that, given the opportunity, she might consider eating a football player. This scandalous statement comes on the paws of another scandal that Mz Paws will need to clarify when she does reappear from Behind the White Door, the rumor that she has changed species!

Behind the White Door: Mz Paws Undergoes Species Change

HAS MZ PAWS

REALLY TURNED INTO

A DOG?

Fans today were deeply disturbed by a photo (released in an unnamed newspaper) with the caption "Mz Paws Undergoes Species Change Behind the White Door." The White Door, seen at the top of the stairs which Mz Paws mounted with alacrity upon being swarmed by paparazzi last weekend, has become somewhat of a mystery to fans and fans alike. (Mz Paws has always claimed that she has no real detractors.)

This reporter has discovered the location of the local stairway, and is currently investigating what lies Behind the White Door. A close friend of Mz Paws, who identified himself only as "Milo," speculated that Mz Paws simply needed to go on retreat to practice her Laws #2 and 3.

"Mz Paws is totally capable of taking care of herself," Milo stated to this writer. "And she wouldn't turn herself into a dog."

This writer has learned that, in the past, Mz Paws has befriended many of the canine species. In a letter she wrote to a fan as recently as June, 2010, Mz Paws said:

"We felines have an obligation to nurture a loving and compassionate attitude toward all beings, especially toward those whom we might ordinarily feel animosity, unfriendliness, fear or even disgust. We must cultivate an attitude in our minds of wishing that they, too, could live happy, healthy lives, and that they could engage in happy, healthy activities that will bring them the peace we cats engage in naturally. (BTW, all beings includes humans, dogs and rats.) We should practice wishing this every morning before bathing."

This letter, obtained through an anonymous source close to Mz Paws, clearly shows her huge heart, and seems to indicate that although she wishes dogs well, she does not wish to become one. This reporter has since learned that the canine pictured in the tabloids is NOT MZ PAWS, but one of her closest canine friends, whose name is Leda.

For now, we can only wait with Milo and hundreds of other friends and fans gathered here in the foyer where the staircase is located. Chi, an acquaintance of Mz Paws' stated it succinctly, "I know she'll reappear. Until then, I'm going to sleep."

In the meantime, this reporter will be spending the day trying to discover what exactly lies beyond the white door. Certainly, though, for now we can put to rest any suspicion that Mz Paws has undergone a species change. As she, herself, might put it:

OMG, how utterly ludicrous!

Mz Paws Responds to "Raven"

THE WHEREABOUTS OF

MZ PAWS

IS STILL UNKNOWN

But the Sophisti-cat

of the Blogosphere

Responds to a

Disgruntled Viewer

Earlier today, through means unknown, Mz Paws delivered a scathing note to a viewer known only as "Raven." In a comment posted a number of days ago, Raven refers to the picture on Page 3 of this blog.

Raven says: I just cannot unnerstan HOW that big fat cat let you papparazzi near him and his butt in the "bath" room! Nevah, nevah, nevah do that again! Signed, Raven

The note from Mz Paws, which this reporter obtained by means which shall remain secret unless a bribe of sufficient amount is offered, appears in its entirety below:

My Dear Raven,

I am currently "under siege" by the paparazzi. (Please note the correct spelling of this word, which comes from an old French word meaning "rummager," as in one who "rummages" through papers.) I do NOT encourage the paparazzi. I do not encourage rummaging of any sort. In fact, I am thinking of starting an ANTI-RUMMAGING organization. Perhaps in the south, from whence it seems you hail, given your spelling (another error) of the word "never" -- perhaps in the south you do not have paparazzi. As for the cat pictured being fat -- well, perhaps he cannot help it. Perhaps he has emotional eating problems, or a hormonal imbalance. To impugn him without knowing him is slanderous. If I were not so steeped in the etiquette of the polite world, I might say that you, Raven, might benefit from a course in common courtesy.
Yours (under siege),
Mz Paws

We will keep you updated on Mz Paws' whereabouts. Her fans are asking that anyone who knows the staircase pictured on this blog several days ago please make yourselves known. Mz Paws' fans are particularly interested in what goes on Behind the White Door seen at the top of the stairs, the door behind which, presumably, Mz Paws is hiding.

Mz Paws Still Missing: Fans Gather

MZ PAWS PICS

CREATE FUROR

ON FOURTH

As most Americans were spending a quiet Fourth of July holiday enjoying fireworks, fans of the "Sophisti-cat" known only as Mz Paws showed outrage yesterday when a certain newspaper, which shall hereby go unnamed, published photos of the celebrity trying to escape the paparazzi.

"Freedom for Mz Paws!" was the chant picked up by hundreds of fans as they stood in 90 degree heat at the bottom of a local staircase, waiting for a glimpse of the (in)famous Blogosphere Commentator. (The staircase, pictured 2 days ago in this blog, has since been found.)

"We only hope she's all right," said a fan, while eating sardines from a tin. "The Great Feline only knows what's behind the door at the top of those stairs!" When asked about the tan and white striped fur coat he was wearing, the same fan showed his true claws. "Don't get your whiskers all bent out of shape. I know it's not PC to wear fur. All of Mz Paws' fans do. But she can't help wearing fur, and neither can I."

That particular fan has not been back since yesterday. Another tin of sardines was put out by his friends later in the day, but the fan did not return. The majority of fans kept vigil all night, despite the sweltering heat, which topped 100 degrees. At one point, a joke began circulating (no one would say where it had started, and only fans were allowed to laugh at the joke):

What turns a lot a fans on really fast? Answer: Mz Paws!

As for the true whereabouts of Mz Paws, and what might be Behind the White Door, we will keep you "posted."

Where Is Mz Paws?

the ALWAYS POLITE but

SOMETIMES ELUSIVE

MZ PAWS

HAS DISAPPEARED!

Mz Paws, known to her fans as The Sophisit-cat of the Blogosphere, has disappeared. This afternoon, the Queen of Etiquette, as she is sometimes affectionately called by those who follow her blog, was seen dashing up the stairs pictured here to escape a pack of paparazzi who had discovered her soaking up rays on a ledge at her home. (At the time of this report, we do not know the location of these stairs.) Earlier in the day, Mz Paws told a reporter that she hoped everyone would have a safe and happy Fourth of July. One fan who witnessed the swarming of Mz Paws by the paparazzi tearfully told this writer, "We can only hope that Mz Paws is safe and sound up there. It's just terrible what they'll do to get a picture of her." There have been rumors that Mz Paws has been distressed by the poll that appeared on her blog, asking whether or not she should become vegetarian. Some fans dismissed this idea as "hogwash." As one admirer put it, "Mz Paws has made it clear in her bio that she is a 'ham' but not a pig."

We will keep you "posted" on the whereabouts Mz Paws.

Mz Paws' Law #2: Elucidation

Mz Paws' Law #2:

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep More.

Getting enough sleep is very important for us cats. In fact, we spend a great deal of our time engaging in this activity, and a great deal of our energy goes toward finding the precise spot on the bed (or sofa, pillow, etc.) that will induce the deepest and most fulfilling sleep. After a good sleep, we awake refreshed and ready for whatever Life presents. As you can see from this photo of yours truly, I had a Wonderful Night's Sleep, and am already on the prowl.

Now, good sleep habits are essential for good sleep. For instance, one wouldn't want to go on spider patrol just before bedtime. Nor would one want to eat or drink just before sleep, as these can cause one to nightmare. For the importance of sleep, and to get some tips on good sleep habits, just click on "sleep."

While I, personally, do not adhere to all the items contained therein, I thought they might help out those of us who suffer from insomnia, restless leg syndrome (an uncontrollable need to twitch one's legs), or just plain bad sleep habits. And remember, my feral friends, even though you might live out of doors, you must always try to find someplace in which to cozy up.

So, try to practice my Law #2 all the time -- well, whenever you AREN'T sleeping. Happy sleeping! ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz