I'd Like a Bit More Oil with My Shrimp, Please

I'm a little frustrated right now...

...because the FDA has promised to ensure that seafood coming to us from the Gulf Coast won't be "contaminated."

Darn. The shrimp platter my human gives me as a treat every Sunday has been a tad on the dry side lately. While it's certainly not proper etiquette to complain about what one receives on one's plate, I have to admit I was kind of hoping for a drop or two more oil with my Sunday feast.

Oh well. C'est la vie, as my French friends say. I'm off to practice Law #3. I've got my spot in the sun already picked out. Ciao.

Living in the Now

LIVE: NOW

This morning I woke up all sad and mad and depressed about the fly that got away from me last night. Really depressed. :(

That thing was truly devilish. I chased him -- or her -- or it, if you prefer -- for hours at the window, and, I have to admit, I made some really, really good holes in the screen, which my human hasn't yet discovered and which was really, really fun to do, if you've never poked a hole in a screen, it makes a really neat little ripping noise...but I digress.

K. So. Did the fly go out the holes? No, he/she/it stayed put and kept making all kinds of tantalizing noises. Then, just when I had decided I'd had enough and was ready to practice my Law #2, the fly purposefully set himself down within a HAIR of my right front paw. I'm not exaggerating. Well, maybe a tad. But it was maddening.

In fact, this morning, after my bath, I was still scheming about how I'll get that fly -- which, btw, I WILL -- and I got so busy practicing flexing my claws (even though I do truly believe in my Law #4) that I missed breakfast this morning AND playing string, my all-time favorite game. Can you imagine?

THAT got through to me. PRON-to. If I spend time dreaming about my future conquest of things winged, then I'm going to miss something. Like my crunchies, which my friend Milo (you can see him on page 2) promptly consumed. With great gusto, I might add.

So, I'm just going to sit and be here. Just right now, I'm sitting here on the corner of the desk, watching my human do very strange things. (They do such strange things, these humans.) But I'm just going to sit here and watch. When thoughts of flies or mice come into my mind, I'm going to come back to sitting right here, on the corner of the desk, watching my human do strange things. I think they call this "living in the now."

May all your days be lived fully. With that, I'm going back to sitting here on the corner of the desk, sitting, watching. Isn't Life wonderful?

Ciao. Don't forget to LIVE, NOW!

"No Problem"

MY BEST FRIEND, CHI,

who ALWAYS says

"You're welcome."

I have a pet peeve. I know, I know. You think I am the "pet." Or worse, you don't think that "pets" have peeves.

Well, we do.

Today I, your very own Mz Paws, was listening to a call-in show on our local NPR station, WAMC. Yes, I do listen to the radio now and again. Anyway, when the facilitator thanked the caller for calling, the caller replied -- on PUBLIC RADIO, no less -- "No problem."

NO PROBLEM?

Whatever happened to "You're welcome?"

In my litter, we were always taught to respond to a "thank you" with a "you're welcome," or at least a "don't mention it." Take mealtime. In my litter, mealtimes were always a free-for-all. Mom would lie down, exposing her teats, which were ripe for the sucking, and we would immediately jump her helter-skelter, since there were 10 of us and only 8 nipples. There was, I do have to admit, a teensy bit of shoving and pushing that went on. Even so, my mother insisted we try to practice good manners. For example: "Mz Paws, thank you so much for letting me have a little nibble on Mom's nipple." "You're very welcome, Tom. Don't mention it."

Now, Tom and I were not all that close as siblings. Even as a wee one, he was a bit of a ladies' man, if you get my meaning. But at least by answering his "thank you" with a "you're welcome" I was acknowledging his existence. As in Thank YOU. YOU are welcome. Remember the philosopher Martin Buber? How our language reveals whether we are viewing each other as "I, Thou" or "I, It?"

Imho, replying "No problem" to a purrfectly polite "Thank you" is a diss. When a cat replies "no problem" to me, I feel I have become just another "It" -- another object to which something must be said. Heaven forbid that my BEING, my "YOU-ness" should be acknowledged with a "You're welcome."

Now, there will be those of you who will disagree with me. In fact, the Urban Dictionary defines "No Problem" as a "casual 'you're welcome'." As in "it wasn't a hassle."

K. So I'm a fuddy-duddy. But here's a quote from a webpage about Martin Buber's thoughts on the "I, Thou" relationship:

According to Buber, human beings may adopt two attitudes toward the world: I-Thou or I-It. I-Thou is a relation of subject-to-subject, while I-It is a relation of subject-to-object. In the I-Thou relationship, human beings are aware of each oher as having a unity of being. In the I-Thou relationship, human beings do not perceive each other as consisting of specific, isolated qualities, but engage in a dialogue involving each other's whole being. In the I-It relationship, on the other hand, human beings perceive each other as consisting of specific, isolated qualities, and view themselves as part of a world which consists of things. [My emphasis.] I-Thou is a relationship of mutuality and reciprocity, while I-It is a relationship of separateness and detachment.

Need I say more? What's that? You're thanking me for bringing this to your attention?

Hey, "no problem."

And now, mes amis, having officially joined the ranks of the hoi polloi, I am going to find a cozy place in which to curl up and practice my Law #3.

Mz Paws' Law #1, Part B: Elucidation

NEVER WORK IF YOU CAN HELP IT

Please refer to my previous post on my 9 Laws For Good Living, and the post in which I elucidate Part A of Law #1. Part A deals with the paradoxical statement that "all cats must work." (Also see Page 3.)

Part B of Law #1 is really very simple. We cats ARE NOT RATS, and therefore should never, ever even for one single eeensy, teensy moment become one. Rats are always scuttling about, noses to the ground, never stopping for a moment to sniff the air or see if there's a fly to chase or a lap to sit on. Rats always look as if they're racing somewhere, but I'm telling you, they never, ever, even for one single eeensy, teensy moment, get ANYWHERE. There's been a lot of research about this, and I've read it all. So I'm doing you a favor by telling you if you should ever feel that you've become part of this sort of RAT RACE, GET OUT NOW!

It's easier to get out than you think. Just look around. Find something you enjoy doing, like playing with some string. Sure, it might take some mental energy to remember where you last saw a piece of string, but just think of the reward. YOU GET TO WORK AT PLAYING WITH THE STRING!

Part B of Law #1 really just means, to use a popular phrase: FOLLOW YOUR BLISS. Then work becomes play. It becomes non-work.

It works for me.

Now that I've found my string, I'm off to work with it! Oh, btw, my human is back, so my "Staycation" is over. I used the scratching post this morning instead of the side of the couch. A small concession on my part, but a necessary one. After all, relationships are all about give and take.

Adios, mes amigos. And remember to wish that all beings -- including rats -- are able to follow their bliss today!

Mz Paws Says Go Green

GO GREEN!

There are times in a cat's life when not working -- yes, I will return to elucidating Law #1 -- sleeping (Law #2) and napping (Law #3) are simply not enough. We have to do more to conserve our energy. Making friends with all things green is a whole lot easier, imo, than putting up with tons of coal dust in the air. Besides, a good chomp on a piece of greenery is good for the digestion, and the best thing is, the leaves grow back! It's renewable!

Today I'm going on what they call a Staycation. My human is going off somewhere and I get to stay home. It's great fun. All Laws are off on a Staycation. I get to claw the furniture, harass the turtle and get into the kitchen cupboards. Maybe I'll write to you from my Staycation. Stay tuned, and remember: GO GREEN!!

Mz Paws' Thoughts on BP and Renewable Energy

RELYING ON OIL FOR ELECTRICITY

IS LIKE BEING TRAPPED IN A ROOM

WITH ONLY A FRAGMENT OF ELECTRICAL CORD

WITH WHICH TO PLAY

I may not be the most politically savvy cat in the world, but I can't help commenting on the BP mess. Even though I admit to enjoying Pelican Pate once in a while, it still hurts to see pictures of them covered in all that muck. And it seems to me that President Obama's address to the nation last night contained some real gushers. For example: he said that the BP blight is still happening because the technology to stop this environmental crisis doesn't exist.

Well, why did BP go drilling so deep if they didn't have a fail-safe plan? I mean, things always go wrong with technological stuff. Look at NASA and all those times they had to use back-up systems when they pushed the start button and nothing happened.

Let me put it another way: It's like me deciding to off to Africa to hunt warthogs. First of all, wouldn't that be a little greedy of me? Do I really NEED to go to AFRICA for some good meat? And do I really NEED all that meat? K. So I decide I really need to go to Africa to hunt warthogs. Maybe I have a huge meat freezer in my basement that's begging to be filled. Whatever. Wouldn't I make sure I could really take down a warthog in Africa? Wouldn't I, for example, take along an extra pair of claws? And rent some body armor or at least a lion suit?

Probably you get my point.

Another gusher that the President made, imho (that's Feral for "in my humble opinion") was to focus so much on renewable energy in his talk. Personally, I'm all for renewable energy. I'm a big fan of the wind and the sun. I just wanted to hear more about BP, the corporation, and the reason we've got into this "crisis" in the first place, which is....

In a word: GREED. We're all guilty of it. Even me, although I do try to practice restraint in all things except catnip. But there's something about corporate greed that makes my fangs tingle. I know the President was trying to reassure us when he said that BP would be paying for the "clean-up." But I couldn't help thinking, Big Deal. Doesn't BP bring in billions in profits every year? It's not like they're going to suffer the way all those poor oysters down there are suffering right now and for years to come probably.

Well, I guess that's enough out of me. I just want you to know, I would never really go to Africa to hunt warthogs.

No sun today, so I'm off to my favorite cushion to practice Law #3. (If you don't know what that is, be sure to check out Mz Paws' 9 Laws For Good Living.)

Ciao.

Mz Paws' Law #1, Part A: Elucidation

NEVER WORK IF YOU CAN HELP IT

Mz Paws' Law #1

Part A

Law #1 can easily be misinterpreted. For clarity's sake, I have divided my elucidation of this Law into sections. We will discuss Part A today.

Part A. All cats must work.

This statement may seem paradoxical. However, Law #1 is not, repeat not, recommending laziness, sloth, indolence, inactivity, loafing or otherwise occupying oneself as a scofflaw.

We are all born into different litters and different Lives. Some of us have lived only One Life, some are all the way up to Nine. Some of us are born into privilege, some into poverty.

Regardless of our station in our current Life, we all have work. For example: We must eat. Our feral friends must catch their food; some of us need only rub a human leg to receive a fab treat. These are but two examples of a cat's daily work.

But how do we go about working?

Do we scuttle about frantically? Do we slink around like a criminal? Do we feel caught in the -- I will say it -- RAT RACE?

You do not need to feel like a RAT. I will explain this when we discuss Part B of Law #1. For now, I encourage you to turn to Page 3 while I begin my own important work of grooming my coat.

A bientot, as my French friends say.

Mz Paws Thought 4 2Day

SELFLESSNESS IS LIKE HAVING A CLEAN LITTER BOX.

Are you feeling out of sorts? Didn't get enough crunchies in your bowl this morning? Got some dingleberries hanging from your butt you can't lick off? Tail bent out of shape by your boss, friend, local Tom or Tomette?

Close your 4 eyelids, take a DEEP BREATH and wish with all your whiskers that no cat in the whole universe had to suffer indignities like these. Then imagine yourself and all your fellow felines frolicking in the finest, freshest catnip.

Try it. You'd be surprised what might happen....

Well, "ears 2 u" as my English friends say. I'm off once more to obey my very own Mz Paws Law #3. Since there's no sun today, I'll be napping on top of the gas stove. For those of you who have yet to discover this deliciously hot spot, you simply must try it. Just be sure to leave immediately* if a human so much as eyeballs a knob.

*Remember to maintain proper decorum. In this instance, it refers to making a hasty retreat without seeming rushed. In Feral: blow the joint fast, while looking really, really cool. K?

Mz Paws' 9 Laws For Good Living

As a consultant, I like to get right down to business. I assume you have read my curriculum vitae and are satisfied with my expertise on matters far and wild (especially the latter). If you have done neither, then please

STOP RIGHT HERE.

One always has a responsibility to find out from whence one receives information or advice.

If you are satisfied with my credentials, you may CONTINUE.

Now I will share with you the 9 ways in which I believe we can all enjoy health and happiness no matter how many lives we might live. My 9 Laws are simple enough to memorize, but they pack a profound punch, if one were so inclined. So, here they are, Mz Paws' 9 Laws For Good Living:

1. Never work if you can help it.
2. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep more.
3. Nap whenever and wherever you can.
4. Never use your claws unless absolutely necessary.
5. Stay well-groomed.
6. Always cover your eliminatory substances.
7. Use cunning with caution.
8. Never feel guilty -- about anything.
9. Enjoy each meal as if it's your last (it might be).

May all beings, including rattlesnakes, benefit from this advice.

I will elucidate each Law, all in good time. But now, if you will excuse me, I see an excellent patch of sun over there in which to practice Law #3.